I’m beyond blessed to have amazing inner billionaires (explained here) as friends. Here’s a portrait and snippets of exchanges with one who was my workshop participant turned client turned friend over several years.
The first time we met, she asked if we could speak after class. We had a long conversation on servant leadership, which I saw in her very quickly. She was open, vulnerable, searching in her conversation, and left such a deep impression on me.
Zoe Tee was awarded the Promising Social Worker Award 2018 and is now a much loved, brilliant social worker who does transformational work, thinks deeply and continues to be an inspiring servant leader.
Spending time with her is a very rich, deep, soul-nourishing experience. We are transported into another realm whenever we meet. It’s hard to capture so many facets of Zoe in a post and this is an attempt to capture a few. Someone I spoke to thought inner wealth is about kindness. It includes kindness and it is more. I hope this helps you appreciate that.
Snapshot 1 – Grandfather
Zoe: I have realised that we really don’t own the time ahead of us. We don’t know how much time we’ve left. But what we own is the joys and the pain of the past, and the very present, and how we make the best of it. I guess, being able to see beautiful things helps me make the best of the moment that I have. And that makes me feel so rich. So grateful for my life. It’s amazing to be alive.
Vadivu: Can I connect with your tears?
Zoe: I love to be in control. I like to know what’s going to happen. But I think lately I have learned that life is really unpredictable – the loss of my grandfather and of course COVID…
I never knew I would have so little time with my grandfather. I always thought that I would have 10 more years. That’s how healthy, witty and sharp he was. But I only had 50 days. And it made me realize that every moment, I want to love really hard and that’s the only way. I realized also that the pain that I feel is because of how much I loved him. Some people would say this is the price that you pay for loving someone, but I would do it again.
Because of that, I treasure the moments that I have with people. Because grief for the loss of someone is really love that has nowhere to go. So I just want to own the moment that I have and it is enough for me to make the best of it.
Vadivu: Thank you for going there with me. The grief feels so fresh. You’re fine after so much time but it still can hit you. …
In those 50 days with your grandfather, you said you made the best of it. Was there a moment that you felt was what you are so grateful for – where you connected with him in a way that shines for you?
Zoe: It was when my grandfather was going to be re-admitted to the hospital. He was still able to walk but he had a lot of trouble going to the toilet because of the tumours that were in his brain. I rushed from work. I just set everything aside. I was waiting at the house when my grandfather was very uncomfortable. And he sat on his usual chair.
I held him. He didn’t say anything. There was a photo that was taken of us. My grandpa was having his eyes closed. He was smiling. He looked so peaceful. I still have that photo. He looked comforted. He didn’t always look like that. He was very feisty.
Vadivu: Thank you so much for going there although it really brings up a lot for you.
Zoe: I love to talk about it but not everyone is comfortable for me to talk about this. People would just want me to be ok but actually I am.
Vadivu: Yes. To me, feeling deeply as you do is a manifestation of inner wealth…May I sense if the touch that you offered him was the love being transmitted and he was receiving it with his closed eyes and smile?
Zoe: Yes, and he held my hand. So I hugged him from the back like that.
Vadivu: Oh, what a moment – fully present with the love.
Zoe: Yeah, I still have that photo. Oh, here.
Vadivu: It’s beautiful. Oh, what a photo, Zoe.
Photo source: Zoe Tee
Zoe: Yeah. I’m the most touchy granddaughter. I would hold [my grandparents]. I would kiss them against their will. I realized that this was my biggest gift for them. We are traditional Chinese. [In traditional Chinese culture, expressing love through touch has been less common in Singapore.]
I grieve really openly. I let my family see my tears. So they are allowed to cry too. So yeah, at the crematorium when his coffin was cremated, it was really the most painful moment, and I grieved. I just didn’t care what others thought. And that released people too. I think it was already so painful for everyone and they were unable to contain it.
My aunt and I really held one another and we really sobbed and sobbed. And yeah, through that we connected with one another. We love one another. When they want to talk about it, they know I can talk about it. So everyone gets permission to cry.
Vadivu: It’s so amazing that just by being you, you are intentional that you allow others to be true to what they feel. You’re not even opening your mouth to say “cry”. Just by hugging and crying, you make it safe for people to do things which are out of the norm.
…I can truly see why it is the moments that make you a billionaire. It’s just being fully present with somebody else in so many ways…in connecting with their needs, in… connecting!
Zoe: Everyone wants to feel loved, belonging and connected.…Thank you for allowing me to remember this precious moment now. I feel like a multi billionaire.
…I had to mature in looking at death…. It is accepting the uncertainty of the days ahead of us. By being certain with who we are and wanting to make the best of the life that I have, I think I truly have the ability to move on.
My grandfather’s legacy is that I can sit with people in their tears and grief. Because of his passing, I have immense courage to talk about death and to show people “It’s okay. Grief doesn’t need to incapacitate you. It can inspire you and others.”
Snapshot 2 – Hidden Youth
One of the groups Zoe serves is “hidden youth” who withdraw from society and may not leave their homes for at least six months. In a conference she was a panelist in, a former hidden youth spoke up. This is what Zoe wrote on social media.
“…a hidden youth stood up, took off her mask and said..
“I was a hidden youth …”
She described her past struggle and her present “deficit” pointing out to us that her speech was affected by her situation.
The practitioner in me leaped out of my chest and I just wanted to address her in the most human and personal way.
So I did.
“I didn’t catch your name..
you said it was…”
“XXX”
“XXX?”
“XXX”
“Ah right XXX, thank you for sharing with us. I just wanna say, thank you for sharing and giving us your voice. Your voice is exactly what we are looking for.
What you shared about your struggles is….
Last but not least, I also thought you spoke really well, and I’m sure everyone thought so.”
And signalled to the most cooperative crowd (thank God) to applaud her.
Funny how I thought I lacked so much intelligence and experience for a panel, but all I needed was to remember to connect human to human.
In response, I wrote this as a comment to her post:
What a powerful gift you gave her – from hidden to Seen, and Celebrated because of you. Your Heart-Led Leadership is a Powerful Light for so many, Zoe.
Snapshot 3 – Our Friendship
Zoe was the one who initiated my surprise 50th birthday gathering a year in advance and co-organised it with Daffy, another inner billionaire friend and team member (pictured with Zoe below). She has a full calendar and yet went through so much preparation to create an unforgettable experience, such as getting a gigantic card printed for me, a vegan cake and inviting friends from different parts of my life.
This is characteristic of Zoe – caught in the throes of uncontrollable laughter during the birthday gathering. She laughs and cries deeply.
Zoe and I attended a kintsugi making workshop. Kintsugi is the Japanese art of mending broken things with gold and honours the imperfect cracks in our lives.
We both value alchemising the cracks in life into the gold of love and wisdom. So this photo of both our kintsugi pieces is a poignant reminder of our friendship which is part of the gold that has emerged from both our lives.
Zoe and I after we had hosted a gathering for friends in which we shared meaningful stories from our lives. Our inter-generational friendship is a profound blessing in my life.
Snapshot 4 – Wisdom Nuggets
Here are some final wisdom nuggets from her.
Vadivu: What is a question that you have held in your heart which has enriched you?
Zoe: The question that I have constantly asked myself is: “What is my purpose?” And I made decisions based on that. Ask yourself what your purpose is and go on that journey to find it. You will find yourself seeking, connecting, trying, discovering, exploring. Whether you will find the answer is a whole separate thing.
Vadivu: What is a quote you live by?
“We don’t own the time that is ahead of us. No one knows how much time we have left. But what we own is the past – what we make of it – and the present moment we live in. That will be on my beautiful tombstone.” – Zoe Tee
There was a quote that as a child I got very connected to. The quote is from a woman, Edna St. Vincent Millay, who in her time was criticized for being radical because she was willing to write about difficult things or things that are different. It says:
“My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends—
It gives a lovely light!”
To me it feels like the length of life. There is a limit to how long your candle is going to burn. So it burns on both ends, especially if you’re passionate and also giving, serving and using all of yourself.
But “ah, my friends” – That’s the people in my circle, my relationships, my family.
And “oh my foes” – That’s the pain, the difficulty, the challenges, the difficult people, the people who disappoint us, the things that disappoint us, our challenges, the trials, the suffering.
“It gives a lovely light” – though this life is short and we will never know that the length of time we have left, because of all the great things, the great people and even the “bad” people and the bad things, it gives a lovely light – which is the purpose of a candle.
Vadivu: What might be a habit that you would invite people to cultivate to experience inner wealth?
Zoe: It’s leaving conversations with people feeling faith-filled, hopeful and loved. I think that is something I do often…When you see the beauty in the world and in people, you will be able to encourage, to strengthen their faith and who they can become.
What strengths do you spot in Zoe?
What about Zoe speaks to your heart the most?
How do you connect to the word “billionaire” now?